What I am looking for in a guest writer on this blog

Simple: go try guest writing someplace else. This is my personal blog and if I am interested in something, I come to you and do it interview style in order to point to your work or showcase something amazingly cool that you have done.

Please, please, please with cherry on top, stop sending me emails like this one:

Hi,

I’m {NAME}, a freelance writer/education consultant. I found “Christian Heilmann” on a Google search and thought I would contact you to see if you would like to work with me. I own a website on Job Application Service that I’m currently promoting for myself. I thought we could benefit each other somehow? If you are interested, I’d be happy to write a very high-quality article for your site and get a couple permanent links from it? While your website is benefiting from my high-quality article, I’m getting links from your site, making this proposition mutually beneficial.
Shall I write an article that matches your niche and send it across for your review or do you need me to write on a particular topic that interests you and your readers, I’m open to any topic, thoughts please?
If this does not interest you, I am sorry to have bothered you. Have a good day! If this does great I hope we can build a long-term business relationship together! If you wish to have a chat on the phone please let me know your phone number and when a good time to call is :) If you’d like, I can share samples with you.
Regards,
{FIRSTNAME}

I am very happy you know how to enter a name in Google and find the blog of that person. That’s a good start. Nobody got hurt, you didn’t overdo it with the research or spent too much effort before asking for my phone number and pointing out just how much you would get out of this “mutually beneficial relationship”. Seriously, I would love to be a fly on the wall when you try dating.

I’ve worked hard on this blog, that’s why it has some success or is at least found. Go work on yours yourself. That’s how it should be. A blog is you. Just like this one is mine.