Christian Heilmann

If Internet Explorer were a car

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005 at 6:47 pm

I just wondered what it would be like if there were a car that behaved like
Internet Explorer.

  • You’ll find it one morning in your driveway, and there is no way of removing it.
  • The engine starts as soon as you approach it, which is a bit odd, but it seems to run smoothly enough not to pose a threat.
  • Everybody else seems to drive the same car, so you give it a spin.
  • It is pretty enjoyable to use – dead easy really. For example you don’t have to hit the gas pedal properly to accelerate, just putting your foot in the general surrounding is enough.
  • It does swerve a bit in the bends and newer roads are a really bumpy ride, but that is a minor problem, surely whoever builds these cars must be working on that.
  • For some reason, the roof leaks and when you ask others what can be done against that they advise you to wear a thick jacket made from a waterproof material. The best seems to be Symantex™.
  • There is plenty of parking space around the area, but somehow all parking lots have advertising signs blocking the way. You are advised to get a CowCatcherXP2™ to get rid of those.
  • After driving in some dark alleys a part of the windscreen shows advertisements for gambling arcades at random intervals. To get rid of those, you are advised to get a SpotwareRemoverTowel™. It takes some time and several attempts to get rid of the stains, but that is perfectly normal.
  • From time to time you get overtaken by faster cars playing classical music, and smooth moving ones (even on the newer roads) with foxtails on the rear-view mirror. They do look flash, but why bother? The drivers seem to be weirdoes.
  • On closer inspection, you see they attached things to their cars that make them a lot more comfortable to use. They tell you to get them in “extension shops” where the things are given away for free. When you ask for some, the shop tells you that you need to pay.
  • If you park the car in your garage and close the door to work on it you’ll get a message that you really should be on the road to make repairs.
  • If you try to change the colour of your car and fit nicer seats you realise that the paint never really covers all and the seats only fit when you fix them with a lot of adhesive tape. On the other hand it is really easy to change the colour of the tires and make the license plate fade in and out.

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